I wrote this on the plane; there's no title; I reserve the right of the unending edit

And how many jokes I laugh at without even realizing: becuase I do have an auto-pilot; a standard of being; a way to interact with the world, without actually being in it.

It was good to see Jessa yesterday. It was good to be back at my old temptation, knowing it's no longer the way, yet enjoying it just the same. I told a friend on the phone today that the new woman was mentioned--my face couldn't hide her--then the subject quickly changed. She seemed angry at my lack of time, my silence; she simply doesn't realize it's on my own behalf. I love Jessa because it is so simple to change the subject, to get her to speak of herself, to hide who I am, to rest on her unending vision of her own life: changing, exciting, important. I get tired of defining myself and Jessa doesn't realize others even have definitions; not in a mean or cruel way, not from my standpoint, just in a younger-than-she'd-ever-admit-to way. Yes, in a patronizing way, because I do have it figured out. Why go back? Because it's so simple, so easy. In a world where I gave myself to another in love, and lost, Jessa's was a world where I didn't have to be anything other than a planet in her orbit. I existed only in relation to her, and I see now how it's sad, how she missed out on me when we could have shared so much together, but then I was only lost in space. At the ends, when I had my own sky and stars and moon, it was wrong of her to not see my beauty, my world, my own bright light shining and reflecting, but at the beginning I had none of that. Jessa gave me a beginning: A solar system to which I could belong if only I stayed on her predetermined course. I could watch and rotate, observe what planets lived and thrived; which became frozen, harsh and barren; which burned away or fell off their axes, never to be seen again. I had a model for the way a world could work, could exist and be it's own. In comparison, in contrast and distinction, I started to see this shell of a planet I was becoming. I could see my own subtle and unique features, looking inward and not ahead, as I could rely on her gravitational pull to guide my lost path. I could follow her skyward rotations while learning how to move forward in space, eventually to discover a system of stars all my own.
It's nice to go back there. To go back to a sun, no matter how fiery or all-consuming, and know there is nothing more for me to do than circle, and soak up her light, until I'm again ready to shine my own.

Still Embracing the Past

So I'm here. And since writing my post yesterday, I really have thought about my past. And, since I talked about those other blogs, I went to see if they still existed. Get this? The one does. And y'know when I started it? December 2002. I remember. I was at Autumn's house. No. I was at Autumn's best friend Megan's house in Camarillo, CA.

Woh. I just went through a whole bunch of updates about Autumn, and Megan, and Autumn and Megan, and the point is: that sucker was around for a while. 12/02 to 9/05.

That sucker was around for the entirety of The Ex, which means it was around for the entirety of the lies, which I find mildly humorous now, seeing how the title of that blog is "i'm just me" when, at that point, i'm just lies.

But there's no need to shame spiral over the past. I'm past that. So if you're really bored, check it out: struby.blogspot.com.

I'm not really bored, but I keep going there to read it over, because I am in this selflove, selfcurious place, and I want to know who I was back then. How much of me has changed? What's changed? What's stayed the same? It's quite fascinating I find. (Por ejemplo, this blog starts with "maybe I'll get a tattoo or start smoking pot".)

So, in total and complete honor of MoFo and Howray and whichever friend of their's started it, a modified Funniest Sentences Currently in my Inbox:

Funniest Sentences I Just Found From My Old Blog:
- Reason #2 - I ate ants.
- Reason #3 - I poisoned all my food that didn't have ants on it.
- College is more important than God.
- Warning: Armadillos
- "This is the JAM!" - Katie, about every song she's ever heard
- Hearing: Britney's "My Perogative" as Beth, Katie, and Debbi practice their routine ("It's the JAM!")
- I wish I could say that things have gotten better since I ate ants, but I got viciously attacked by a dog.
- On my way back up the beach, I counted how many steps from the water to my front door: 174.
- By the way, is there anyone out there who speaks Spanish and would be willing to be a reference for me?
- And now, an aside on the brilliance of abridged versions. Uh, they're brilliant.
- “No. 37 + 50 does not equal 100. The answer is not always 50.”
- "Other people think, in the world, you know, they say that is ham, but this is ham."
- Also: 12 year olds know about “really very good wine.”
- “Yes, that. I am very hungry about it.”
“Angry?”
“Oh, yes, angry. Not hungry. I’m very cross.”
- (I'm not sure on any of this, because--as I've already stated--I didn't understand any Spanish and therefore anything that she was saying.)
- I would write you a personal letter thanking you for your help, and I won't smell bad!
- 3. Mullets are ugly.
- But not before showing us a whole one, picking it up by it's eye sockets (having to push the eyeballs back to accomplish this), wiggling the bait thing dangling off it's head, and opening and closing it's mouth repeatedly while making various chomping and eating noises.

Oh god. There's so much more. And pictures. Good pictures. And baddddddd pictures.

Here's to continuing to love me, and the former mes. I'm off to dinner with Sarah. My lovely, lovely Sarah, never afraid to tell me how much she loves all of me.

It's Break, Were You Expecting Me?

Well, it's break. Doesn't really feel like a break, but I'm doing shit that's not work anyway. Ha!

So, everyone's been revamping their ol' blogs, and... well, wait. No. Mar did. And I thought about it a lot. But I guess that's just the two of us. My point is, I've decided not to. I wanted to get a fresh, new start, but maybe it's more important to start from where I am. I've had the restart. I had a blog before this one, and one before that, and that other one, oh and that other one that got me into all kinds of trouble... So I'm just going to keep on keepin on with this guy.

I think that sometimes it's a whole lot harder to embrace our pasts and learn how to love those former versions of ourself, than it is to write our past selves off to being young and stupid or naive and start anew. I want to start with me.

I figured something out. I'm learning a lot and I'm getting much, much better at this life thing, but that doesn't mean I was terrible at it from the beginning. I wasn't. I messed up, sure, we all did, but it's time to forgive some past mistakes, and also to honor some past accomplishments.

I think I have a hard time looking at the past because it's so often so much worse than the present, and can't even begin to compare with my hopes for the future. But I lived. I had friends and joy and happiness, despite the bad stuff.

This was reinforced and proven to me last night. I was going through some old notebooks (both school and personal), an activity I often avoid (see above: worse), and I found a sheet, undated if you can believe it, that just listed things I wanted to accomplish in my life. Some of them were checked off, and from those dates, I estimate that this Life Goals List was circa late 2001. Six years ago, I had some pretty good ideas for the future, and most of it even continues to match up. Mostly, the list has just grown. Guess what else? I accomplished a lot of them. Doesn't that rule?

I wrote this list, and forgot about it, then, six years later, found it and had succeeded at it!

I don't know. It made me not want to delete this blog and start fresh, even though I can't quite muster up love for most of it. It made me curious about the person I've been...shoot, the person I've always been. It seems such a repetitive pattern for me to be shocked at finding goodness in my past. In an effort to not be too tough on myself, it makes sense for me to have this surprise, but just because bad shit happened, doesn't mean I was bad. Even if I did "bad" things, that doesn't mean I was bad.

It's simple I guess, but important. And I'm in a very selflove place. I had great therapy this morning where I was told I have a good head on my shoulders. And get this: despite the mistakes, it might have always been there.

And then get this: yours has always been there too.