It's Break, Were You Expecting Me?

Well, it's break. Doesn't really feel like a break, but I'm doing shit that's not work anyway. Ha!

So, everyone's been revamping their ol' blogs, and... well, wait. No. Mar did. And I thought about it a lot. But I guess that's just the two of us. My point is, I've decided not to. I wanted to get a fresh, new start, but maybe it's more important to start from where I am. I've had the restart. I had a blog before this one, and one before that, and that other one, oh and that other one that got me into all kinds of trouble... So I'm just going to keep on keepin on with this guy.

I think that sometimes it's a whole lot harder to embrace our pasts and learn how to love those former versions of ourself, than it is to write our past selves off to being young and stupid or naive and start anew. I want to start with me.

I figured something out. I'm learning a lot and I'm getting much, much better at this life thing, but that doesn't mean I was terrible at it from the beginning. I wasn't. I messed up, sure, we all did, but it's time to forgive some past mistakes, and also to honor some past accomplishments.

I think I have a hard time looking at the past because it's so often so much worse than the present, and can't even begin to compare with my hopes for the future. But I lived. I had friends and joy and happiness, despite the bad stuff.

This was reinforced and proven to me last night. I was going through some old notebooks (both school and personal), an activity I often avoid (see above: worse), and I found a sheet, undated if you can believe it, that just listed things I wanted to accomplish in my life. Some of them were checked off, and from those dates, I estimate that this Life Goals List was circa late 2001. Six years ago, I had some pretty good ideas for the future, and most of it even continues to match up. Mostly, the list has just grown. Guess what else? I accomplished a lot of them. Doesn't that rule?

I wrote this list, and forgot about it, then, six years later, found it and had succeeded at it!

I don't know. It made me not want to delete this blog and start fresh, even though I can't quite muster up love for most of it. It made me curious about the person I've been...shoot, the person I've always been. It seems such a repetitive pattern for me to be shocked at finding goodness in my past. In an effort to not be too tough on myself, it makes sense for me to have this surprise, but just because bad shit happened, doesn't mean I was bad. Even if I did "bad" things, that doesn't mean I was bad.

It's simple I guess, but important. And I'm in a very selflove place. I had great therapy this morning where I was told I have a good head on my shoulders. And get this: despite the mistakes, it might have always been there.

And then get this: yours has always been there too.