Stop Using My Computer

RIP "nightime // anytime (it's allright)" I guess it's not all right anymore. Bummer.

No. Not really. I'm sure things are still alright, it's just a bummer that I don't have that to read anymore. Moving on.

Woh. Thanksgiving. Besides the short time spent in the bathroom artistically drawing "I Hate Holidays" on a single square of toilet paper, the day was really good. In fact, it's probably unfair to start my ThatDayWeAllEatAndIgnoreIt'sRacistHistory Day report with the negative. Because really, that was it. I think it was mostly a defense mechanism for too much going on. What's the deal with bathrooms? I guess it's the alone time. I've experienced some pretty intense and severe emotions in bathrooms. I often think of kitchens as the true social center of a house, and I'm think I'm not alone in that, but whoever thinks of bathrooms and the emotions tied with them?

Well, I'm sure that would have been interesting, but I've run out of time and I feel cynical. Plus, I think I got a little triggered because the kitchen I grew up with was far from social. But I guess that's the whole house.

24 minutes and a storm left to get through

I don't like music as much as I feel I should so I'm embarassed and confused, but she writes about Art--music just being the form it takes--and then I can understand it and just want to tell her that most of the time I don't know what she's talking about but I feel so much better after reading it.

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A man lit himself on fire. It was supposed to send a message. It was his suicide.

My mom's all about appearances so she lied-in-the-form-of-omission-with-the-other's-assumption to my aunt and took my birthday present to give to me at a wedding I wouldn't be at. Then she sent it in the mail with a lot of cut and torn out articles and cartoons that let me know which appearance my mom pretends and needs me to have for her life to be the same okay-because-I'll-refuse-to-see-it's-not that it's been for probably my whole life and honestly probably two years longer (but I awkwardly transitioned over the brother question last night with Exciting New Friend, so I'll do it again). My birthday present was yet another journal that I'm sure was yet another regift because it doesn't matter what present you give in my family, only that the wrapping was done well, because it's not about what's inside, it's about appearances. But like I've finally opened my mouth (just a little) and said, I don't like journals as presents because if writing is anything it should be personal and writing in a journal that's been given to me is writing in a journal to whoever gave it to me, and that's not what I'm going for. So I offered it to Jessa and she said she'd regift it and I felt better about presents again because maybe someone who really wants it will eventually get it, and hopefully not on a holiday because obligatory gift giving is just another reason to make us all feel bad all over each other. Then Jessa suggested that I just cover it and keep it, and I told her about the first journal that really meant something to me--and maybe the one that ever meant the most because it was all I had--and that it was so ugly but then I covered it in electrical tape and I did a bad job because I was young and it was my first time and I like the ugly that now finds a way to come through because it just doesn't seem quite as ugly anymore. I like the insides and the covered ups.

And then I swallowed the fear and the next time she came over I pulled out that old journal and I showed it to her and I stopped wishing that I shared my writing and shared myself and I did it a little bit and I couldn't let her look, but I could read out loud and she could listen. There was so much of myself I've forgotten and so much that I can't forget.

I would stop reading aloud and get lost in myself and then I came across my suicide entry. It's the one I think of as The Suicide Entry because it's the one where I'd figured out that I didn't want to and the bookful of other entries I'd written didn't really matter as much anymore because I found a way to live, whatever living was at that point, and I started to read it and I had to stop, but I figured out that I shouldn't end the life I couldn't get through and now there's a man who lit himself on fire and committed suicide and wrote paragraph after edited paragraph about it so that I had to scroll down the screen to see how much it was and decide that I wasn't going to read it. Two separate pages that were supposed to have a message and people are going to disagree with me, but he had the wrong message. He had a message I'm not going to read just because he lit himself on fire. We shouldn't be in Iraq, Bush shouldn't be president, and he still shouldn't have lit himself on fire. He shouldn't have committed suicide.

I don't care how that sounds. Some days I'm still that girl figuring it out for the first time and writing an entry I'm not able to re-read, so all days I'm reminding myself.

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Never done, just stopped.
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Proud To be an American

I am so proud to be an American today. That hasn't happened in years. I lived a year in Spain where that ethnocentricity present in all of us was all but beaten out of me, and 6 years under Bush the Lesser, but now, I can once again say that I am proud to be an American. My country voted two days ago and they voted for change. We did it. Dare I say it, with a hopefully feminist twinkle in my eye: democracy is working!?!

I know it's a sad state when I have to question whether or not democracy is working, but it's a giant step ahead from being sure it's not working. Let's celebrate and name some (there's so much good news, this is only some!) of the victories:

Rumsfeld has stepped down. The man whose dismissal was a no-brainer the day after Abu Ghraib was announced back in the beginning of 2003 has finally left office, and now a woman--sadly for the first time in history, but it is happening--is only two heartbeats away from the presidency.

Democrats have won the House and Senate (I know Allen of VA hasn't stepped down yet, but it's only a matter of time).

Missouri is finally a blue state!

Nevada and Missouri, two of the three states I claim as my own (though, the only one permanently tattooed on my body is MO), voted to raise the minimum wage (along with Ohio and Montana).

South Dakota threw out the ridiculous abortion ban.

Arizona threw out the marriage amendment. Sadly, seven states added the amendment to make it doubly illegal to marry someone of the same sex (gasp!), but we're focusing on ch-ch-ch-changes: Arizona was the first state to say no to discrimination in a state constitution. Good work.

MO voted yes to allow stem cell research, cures, etc in our state; and no to unfair taxation of only certain populations without strict knowledge or regulations about where that tax money is going.

Yes, oh yes, we swept up (http://www.michaelmoore.com) at the polls. Here's bp and I doing our part: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mmflint/page12/.

I sincerely hope that the renewed and fiery pride in my country burning in my chest only grows hotter and larger. I will put my faith in the democrats at this point because I want to put faith back into my government to do the right thing. I do not want the next two years to be spiteful and full of revenge, I am not calling for an impeachment of Bush--though he clearly deserves it--it's much more important to me that we get to work immediately getting our troops out of Iraq, stopping the killing in Iraq, and not going anywhere near Iran. History will take care of Bush, let's take care of the people who are dying because of his mistakes.

There's so much more, but for now I am extremely content to bask in the glory of my fellow American citizens and allow myself to enjoy this victory while being hopeful for the future and acknowledging that not only is our work not over, it's only just begun. Thank you America, we're finally able to begin.