Even performed privilege is real

I got mad at a friend for not understanding what trust looks like from me until I realized it meant she doesn't know I trust her, or how much.

I had a bad dream when I tried to nap on Saturday afternoon. I haven't really slept since. Last night I dreamed I had just given birth, and I was still on the table with my legs up, and I was holding my baby, but it was only his spirit, and he was starting to disappear. For a second I saw the real him, in the hands of the doctors, and I tried to yell out and scream "stop shaking him, stop shaking him" but I couldn't get it out. And then the ghost/spirit/soul version of him in my hands just vanished, and he was dead.

I don't know what it means. I don't think I want to figure it out. I'm tired.

Expectations are upon me again, but in a very different way.

I wonder about standing up for myself, because I do. And I don't. The problems come in not realizing when I'm not.

We had an amazing show on Friday night. I'm proud of who I am, and my life. I'm proud of my friends and my students and my colleagues. It's nice to be proud.

I saw Chelsea Clinton speak this morning. She was kinda boring, had a good answer to the LGBT question, and mainly I just wished she hadn't have dyed her hair. Why can't everyone know that they're beautiful just the way they are? And, of course, I support Obama. It was nice to hear her speak though. I didn't realize she was only 27.

I'm so tired. I just haven't been able to sleep since that one stupid dream while napping. Just more bad dreams have come. And the oh so familiar laying awake in bed. I hate how things are so good and the lack of sleep interrupts absolutely everything.

I also hate complaining about being tired, so I came here to do it. Now, back to work. There's a lot to do.