Tummy ache

My computer won't shut down and my stomach's in knots. I don't know who gave it to me, and I don't know if she's worth it. I didn't know a dog could be the boss of me and I'm not sure a future of being her boss is what I want anymore, ever again. She's back in my life, and her, and things with her are confusing. Buddha stops me just at the last second and I never regret it, so I guess that means it's right.

I've been working on following my dreams and now that the hard work is paying off I feel caught up in a whirlwind I wasn't exactly sure would ever really happen. At what point did I commit? Well, I know when, if I'm honest, and it was long ago, and it had every thing to do with the absence of "I'm thinking about" and actually doing. I've been doing.

On that warm in the snow track with heavy footsteps determined behind me; no one knows my resilience. Yes, I think I better run today, and no, I still don't know exactly from what. It gets closer, or farther, depending on how you look at it. It gets better or worse too. All I have is me and it's not my fault, but it's starting to be.

Breaky Break... how predictable

I guess we all knew I'd make it back here eventually. Well, I did anyway.

It's that time of year. I feel prepared, ready, proud. What a feeling pride can be. How confusing and not like I expected.

I really might not make the Minneapolis team because of those three missed scoring opportunities. Still. I played. I went out there. I did it. It is a lot to face, my biggest dream. I didn't know it would feel so much like my greatest fear, but in this exhilarating way. Different than those other fears.

Well, that was quick. All I really wanted to get out is that I might not make the team. Not because I'm not good enough or didn't try hard enough or whatever, just that I might not. I missed those three shots. One too many touchs on the first break away. "Coach" put it well: 'trust your left foot.' Then the spin off cross. Oh fuck, and the fucking over-the-goal. Pushups Struble. 50-fucking-thousand of them. How dare I?! And at a try-out. Egh. I am disgusted with myself (and letting it go too). Over the goal. Egh.

I don't want to talk to them tomorrow. (Ever again.)