dudes, i'm pissed off

I am. I don't even know what to do with it. She's playing all these fucking games or maybe this is just the way she is, but fuck man. She said that she needed last night off so that she could have time to miss me. Which I've heard before in movies or pop culture somewhere and I mean, it makes sense and I wasn't mad about it, but clearly she hasn't missed me enough yet. There was no excitement about me being there. Like, fucking none. And then she regifted me a bunch of bullshit for hanukkah. No. Not from her. Come on. I wrote out a poem for her that I know she really likes. Come on man. A fucking bath set. Really? I mean, it got better because she reminded me that she doesn't have a bath, but then give it to me NOT as a fucking hanukkah present. Y'know? Shit. Just because I joke about the family giving all sorts of shitty things (did I already comment on here about how the highlight was White Diamonds perfume by Elizabeth Taylor? Do I look like a 70 year old grandmother? Because last time I checked I'm a 23-year old dyke) doesn't mean I want her to give me shit. I know I laugh it off with the family, but it took years to get there. Years. And I don't expect that shit from the people who, I don't know, actually know me. I mean, if there was a reason behind it or something, but there wasn't. And then she wouldn't even tell me where she got it from. Does that mean an ex gave it to her? A current? What?

Fuck. I'm just pissed off.

Listen, I'm taking this on whole-heartedly as my fault, but some of it has to be her. It has to be. I don't want to acknowledge that perhaps I'm just impossible.

Here's the thing: I like to be touched. I do. And I'm not talking sexually, because after the whats-the-deal-with-the-other-woman talk got all resolved and we had like 2 hours of excellent sex, she then ruined it again by saying that she wants to be able to sleep with other people. I had never felt so cheap. I mean, she really ruined it. And it shocks me to have my fingers type out those words or to think and feel them because, really?, "I feel cheap." Like, who does that happen to?

I guess me. Because I thought we'd figured out it was just us and that made me feel good and made me want to have sex with her and then with my coat and hat on as I walked out the door she said she needs me to be able to consider the possibility that she can sleep with other people.

Fuck. Is this going to work? Do I need to call it off? I don't want to. I know the best friend says I should, but she said I should call it off with the ex when we were barely a year in. Maybe she was right.

And then my "but"'s come in about "but she's fun" "but it's so nice to be held" "but I don't want to be lonely again" "but all my friends are out of town" "but she makes me feel pretty" "but I really like her" "but she makes me feel connected with the world and not embarassed about saying it" ...

(And don't judge me for the "but all my friends are out of town" because none of us are perfect and in this life a lot of us just take what we can get.)

Fuck. I'm judging myself plenty harshly.

The point is that now, today, in this new pissed off mood, there's a rebuttal "but" to the aforementioned "but I like her" buts.

I didn't have fun with her last night. She wouldn't hold me last night. In fact, I got pushed away in the middle of the night. (And I can feel all of you screaming at me to not take it so seriously and I know it's because her bed sucks and she was uncomfortable and maybe I'm hot and most people maybe don't want to sleep spooning, and that's why I had the "it's all my fault" comment up above because I don't give a fuck what all of you say, I want to be held and I want to hold her and it does hurt me that she doesn't want to back.) I did feel lonely last night. All my friends are out of town, but Katie and Beth got back last night and I didn't go over to their house, and Stefania called needing me and I didn't answer (let's not even begin to get into the guilt I'm feeling for that). I didn't feel pretty last night. I felt like a nuisance.

No. She doesn't miss me enough yet. So I'll take a break and she can fucking come find me. Fuck this shit.

Fuck this shit.

I shouldn't be made to feel like hanging out with me is such a huge, fucking burden. What? I'm a burden? I'm annoying? It's a chore to have to kiss me? I didn't realize I was still together with the ex. I thought I'd gotten into a new relationship. I guess not. Great.