Truly a Soccer Player at Heart

Dude. I know you all know that. But I do. I love soccer. I just, really do.

I feel most comfortable when I have a soccer ball at my feet.
I may not be the person I was 6 years ago,
But I'm still me.
I will not stop at 97
When I want 100.

Wait, let me check the weather. Yep, it's 36-feels-like-26 according to weather.com and baby, it's cold outside.

But it's also sunny. It's beautiful. I just went to the park right next to my house and played for like, I don't know, a little under an hour. There was still plenty of snow on the ground and it got a little windy, but it was great. I don't know. I just need that sometimes, y'know. I need that time outside, breathing in cold air, feeling my muscles push off the ground and my body try to re-balance itself to juggle and dance over the ball. It feels good to be physical.

There really is something to being out in the sun, feeling the wind against my cheeks. No sickness can make my nose run like when I'm playing soccer outside in the winter. I know that may sound a little gross, but it's true. And I didn't remember that until today. It wasn't something I was looking forward to, it was just something I remembered once I was out there, somethign I recognized and enjoyed because it's familiar and feels like home.

I know I've pulled this metaphor a thousand times before, but for me, soccer was always a level playing field. Literally. All the other shit that was going on in my life didn't matter once I stepped out onto the soccer field. I don't think anyone can understand what a huge part soccer played in my life. And not in the fanatic sports fan way, but in the it-helped-me-emotionally-and-mentally-and-spiritually-and-deep-down-into-my-core way. It didn't matter what clothes were hanging in my closet that I hated and were too big but dealt with since we didn't have any money but had to pretend to. It didn't matter that I'd never had a boyfriend. It didn't matter that I didn't have a car because the car my brother and I were supposed to share he crashed 3 days after he got his license (and therefore two years before I got behind the wheel) and I got blamed for it. It didn't matter that my mom wouldn't let me go to parties. It didn't matter who my brother was. It didn't matter that I'd never done drugs or had sex. It didn't matter that I didn't have friends, when that was the case. It didn't matter how smart I was or wasn't. All that mattered was if I could play soccer. And I even had control over that. If I tried harder, I did better. If I practiced more, I got better. If I trained hard enough, I'd be stronger and faster. If I watched others play, I'd learn and be smarter. In a life that so often felt out of control, soccer taught me that I could have control. Soccer taught me that even if those girls on my team make fun of me in the hallway or won't talk to me in Biology class, they have to pass to me on the field and I'm included.

And I had to be healthy for soccer. That little eating disorder that could have happened (please pay attention and read the "could have," it didn't alright), didn't because of soccer. I had to eat because I had practice that afternoon, or a game tomorrow, or a tournament that weekend. Dude, I found some fucked up writing from my past the other night that kept repeating how much I didn't deserve to eat (no one ever said I liked high school or I had a good time there), but I had to eat because I had to be the best out on that field. People clapped for me and yelled my name. I was known. I wasn't invisible anymore. My dad paid attention to me and worked with me and talked to me about it.

Y'know, I came here and I had all these different ideas about what I was going to write about, but I think I'm happy now. I went out and I played soccer today. All by myself, out on a deserted and snow-covered field, and I had fun. It was good and I got my 100 juggles before I came inside (104, actually) and I felt my heart pumping the blood through my body and I once again feel in control of my life. Not because I necessarily felt like it was out of control, or because I'm out on the field now, clearly I'm not, but because I know that no matter what life throws my way, I'll always be able to find something I can count on and work with. Through it all, there's always been soccer.

Even winter can't stop this love.