i hate it

Dudes, I had another nightmare last night.

I find that I come here when I want to be able to write (talk) about stuff that I don't want a reaction to. I want to express it and put it out there, but I don't want anything back.

(Let me make it clear that I absolutely LOVE emails about my posts whenever you want to send them or references or anything like that, I just hate it when I say things to people simply because I want (or need) to get it out and there's not an appropriate response. Here, no one has to respond. No one even has to read. But I like the idea that it's out there for some of my friends to know, but they don't have to find a way to make it better. And I don't either. Because if I say something like 'I had another one of my nightmares last night' the friend I'm telling feels they need to ask what it was about and explain it away somehow. But there's some things in life that can't get explained away. And I feel bad when I don't give the friend a way to make it better so I work my ass off to make it okay myself, or at least to make it okay that the friend doesn't know what to say and then what's the point of even telling the story because all I'm doing is forcing myself to make it all better and it's hard.)

Woh. So I really like having this outlet because I get to share only what I want to share and I don't force reactions or see faces of concern or any of that.

So I had another one of my nightmares last night and I hate them. Can I just say? I hate them. I wake up feeling so amazingly shitty and not wanting to tell anyone about what happened and wishing I could just forget the whole fucking thing but it won't go away and my muscles are all tense and sore and I'm tired and every time I realize how tired I am I have to remember why I'm tired and I HATE IT!

I don't know why they can't stop. It's not like I'm thinking about the shit before bed. I'm not. So why do they continue to happen? And why am I so helpless in them? And they're not even always about fear. They're not. So much of the time I'm angry and physically angry and physically caught and just can't fight hard enough to get away and I hate it. Last night all the normal shit happened except I was up on a stage and Mom and Dad were there and Jessa was there and there was an audience there and I just don't want to anymore. I'm so fucking tired to pretending that everything's fine all the time, why did I even have to pretend in my dream? I didn't want the audience to know. There's too many expectations on me and I have to make it all okay, meanwhile I physically fighting and more angry than I have ever been in my waking life, but feeling it just the same.

It just sucks all around. And there's no way to stop it because it's a subconscious manifestation of some of my internal fears, struggles, problems, history, on and on...

Holy shit. It's almost 8pm. I have to go home and eat some dinner and get some sleep. Some shit happened this week in The Relationship, but I don't really want to talk about here. But it kept me up really late and I was exhausted and then emotionally exhausted myself all of the next day trying to deal with what had happened and then last night, even though I was able to get to bed at a decent hour, I had nightmares so I didn't sleep well and I'm just in a shitty, tired mood.

Okay, for real, I'm going home. I just needed to vent really quickly. I have to get it out, but I hate telling people about it because they feel they need to make it better and it just can't be. I just want to be pissy and vent. (And not that I'm judging my friends or something for trying to make it better. I mean, fuck, I probably do that even more than any of them, I just...y'know. They do let me vent, I just hate these fucking nightmares and trying to deal with them and admitting that I have them and all that bullshit.)

(Throwback:)
Peace out.