no more drama

silence comes. silence in the size of words that i still have to fit into this page to make these emotions flow out of me so i can continue with what i need to do. silence because i hate thinking about it even more than you hate hearing about it. i don't know why there is so much drama. i just want the silence. in the past two days, i've had the silence of smiling as i think about her; telling our story to old and loved friends with a bragging grin on my face. and i'm not saying that that bit has gone away, just that there is drama that goes along with it. i don't to have to deal with it. i just want it to go away. i don't want to explain it all here. i don't want to go upstairs to get coffee and have the normal "how was your night last night" coffee talk. i want silence surrounding me in a muffled bubble so i can try to figure out these emotions. why did i react so strongly? can this time in my life finally be the time when i react on my own and understand and decide if what i'm feeling is correct and true and what i want to show? i don't want the advice of other people because their advice only works in their context. this is my context.

she gave me a key. at a bar with all of her friends around so that i couldn't react or talk about it or give it back or be upset or freak out or tell her how i was feeling or anything. all i could do was sit silently, trying not to make it awkward at the end of the bar, only saying back "you're sneaky."

she's had sex with a married woman who is still one of her closest friends. it causes drama with the husband who is also in the group of friends. the husband stormed out, the wife followed, another friend followed, the out of town friend which was the whole reason for this shindig who was in town for one night only followed after that. it was left with the two of us and i started to make her feel better. she is where my loyalty lies. it takes two to tango and she was 21 when it happened. she didn't know about relationships and marriage. maybe she still doesn't. but i tried to make it better. i said that it was over two years ago. she just looked at me like, "no, you don't know the whole story." i said it was over a year ago. same look. i smiled and appeased her with, "well, it's over anyway." same look.

same look?!?! what, it's not over? so i still focused on making it better for her, but fuck dude, what the fuck does that mean? it's not over? i reacted by taking a sip of my beer. i remember when i was a kid i read the "cat who..." series by lilian jackson braun and about in the middle of the books, the protagonist/narrator quit smoking. he would always talk about how much he missed the pleasant pauses while he lit his pipe. he was able to take time and give his conversation partner time gracefully. that what the sip of beer was. my best effort at a graceful pause.

the other friend came back and said something then the out of town friend came back and said it was time to go back to jessa's house. i took off to settle my tab y ya esta.

i was no longer doing well. they drove me back to the house (even though the driver probably shouldn't have) i'm dog-sitting at so i could get my car so i could come home from jessa's whenever i needed to get to sleep so i could be at work this morning, and so i could let the dog inside.

i didn't want to go and i called to say i wasn't going, but there was a part of me that needed to see jessa again and hope that she could make it better and that it was a misunderstanding, so i drove over there (i probably shouldn't have). only jessa and the out of town friend were there at that point, so jessa and i went into her room and she wanted to explain. i had said something on the phone about her not saying it was over with the married friend. we brought it up again on the bed and i didn't even ask for a promise or anything like that, but she couldn't even flat out say that it wasn't going to happen with that woman again. she said it wasn't her intention and realized right away what a load of shit that was because that's what lauren said to her about nicole. so she said that she'd heard that before and tried somehow to take it back.

all i got from that talk was that i couldn't keep the key still in the bottom of my coat pocket. i couldn't. not then. if she can't tell me she's not going to sleep with other women, she can't give me her key as well. she kept insinuating that the talk about the friend needed to happen at another time. which i understand. the out of town friend is in from san francisco, the married couple is in from kansas city, they're on their way over and this is supposed to be a party. but she's the one who gave me the key.

i left the key on her kitchen counter but when she walked me out i told her about it. i didn't want to just have her find it. i'm not like that. but that way she couldn't make me take it back.

if she wants to make it non-commital with the option of sleeping with this other woman--a bad idea anyway--then she can't say she loves me and give me a key. i mean, she said that if the friend was in front of her naked she wouldn't fuck her. but what does that mean? why couldn't she say it's over? even if it's not, which, of course i want her to be honest, but if it's truly not her intention, then why can't she say it's over? why does it need to be a talk?

she seemed to start the talk and explain that i only just came into her life and it can't stop for me, which is cool. that is totally fine. but then don't say "i love you" and give me a key if her life is having sex with her friends. and i know in the past it was. she's talked about it. and that's cool, but it may not be love and key-exchanging with me. don't we need to see if the lives we can't (and shouldn't) stop for one another will fit together well before we try to bring in love or complete openness and comfort with one another? i think so.

in other, fun news, i kissed the jello shot boy last night. jessa did it first. so i did it second. he tried to slip in a little tongue, but that didn't work so much with me.