But.

So, if it’s okay with everyone here (and it is because this is my space to put out what I want when I want), I need to be a selfish asshole for a little bit.

You’ve all read the “I’m 23 so it’s fine” justification, and I still stand by that to justify my actions, but you know what, Jessa drinks a lot. She’s a pothead and I don’t really mind because that’s who she is and maybe in a week or two I’ll take that back too, but I think Jessa drinks too much. I haven’t known her for that long and she’s in the environment so I’ll have to see how she takes it when I confront her and when I ask her to do things that don’t involve drinking and just get the information so that I can then deal with it, but…

I need to get the information to know if the large amount she drinks is actually too much and if it’s a dependency and if I’ve started dating an alcoholic (fuck). I need to get that information. But I’m here to talk about what to do and ask the “what ifs” and start to deal with this in case it happens. Maybe it’s not a good idea to jump to conclusions, but I think it’ll help me out.

Here comes the selfish asshole part: I do not want to date an alcoholic. I like Jessa. I really like Jessa. I have a great time hanging out with her. Great. I think she’s awesome. I am absolutely mesmerized by her when she plays and sings, or when she says certain things, or when she totally gets what I’m trying to say. Parts of me that I’ve put away are coming back out and I like it. There are moments when I look at her and think "I am falling in love with you right now." It happened last night, in the kitchen at a party, with so many people around, and I thought it so simply and honestly that I had to catch myself from saying it out loud to her.

But I don’t want to date an alcoholic. I know right now it’s fun and if she is one then so are probably all of her friends so it’s completely normalized and everyone gets drunk every night and there’s no fighting and they all get to work no problem and go about their days and just have fun, but it may be alcoholism. I know we’re in our early 20s and society says it’s okay and I even say it’s okay, but fuck that.

I was the care taker. I don’t want to be anymore. I don’t want to. I don’t want to deal with her getting drunk all the time. I don’t want to deal with wondering if she’s going to remember what happened in the morning. I mean, she’s only been stumbling drunk once, and then got pretty close again last night, but come on man. Come on.

I feel like a big shithead just thinking about stopping this thing because it’s so great and I like her so much and I’d be running away for purely selfish reasons, but I don’t want to have to deal with an alcoholic. Seriously. And I know that there are alcoholics who function in society and do alright and go to work just fine then go home and need four drinks before bed, but dude, I don’t want to date an alcoholic.

I don’t even know if she is, but it’s not looking good. I don’t know what to do with this. And it’s not as easy as just running away. I know the red flags, I know to pay attention to them, but come on. She makes me feel good. She likes me. (She says she loves me, but that’s a post I’m not ready to deal with.) I have fun with her. I care about her. I want her to be happy and to be there for her and to be her girlfriend and to be a good girlfriend.

But.

I wish my head didn’t immediately go to the “but.” It does though. It does. Because it’s a huge “but.”

Alright. I just needed to get that out. I’m gonna go to lunch now.