Living the 23 year-old life

I really find that having this blog totally helps me to feel in control and sane. I really like having an outlet that I know trusted friends can come and read if they so desire, but not everyone knows about it. I'm not saying I'm keeping it a secret or something, but I really like how I can write anything I want here and people like the ex and Jessa have no idea. And honestly, a lot about Jessa. I really like that I can talk about her without her knowing and kinda get into it. It makes it easier for me to remember that she's only one part of my life and I am still my own person. I know that probably sounds pretty simple, but for me, that's not always simple.

I don't know. Being together with her has been very...well, everything. No, not everything. But almost everything positive. Luckily there hasn't been much negative yet. There's been some fear and anxiety, and get this, even jealousy, but mostly just positive. I really like all these new emotions and situations and experiences. I feel, just, good. I like the way my life is going.

I'm constantly around new people and making new friends and that's a very interesting process to me. Sometimes I surprise myself with how I act or the things I do and don't say or do. I feel very comfortable on my own, but also pretty comfortable around others. Living in Spain really taught me to be comfortable with the silences and lack of small talk because it's just not possible all of time. When I've exhausted all of my vocabulary and the native speaker I'm talking to gets tired of repeating herself just to have me stare back still confused, there's silence. And it's okay. I don't mind sitting on my own and only interjecting comments when I actually have something to say. It's a nice feeling.

I also get confused though. Because I wonder how much of what I'm doing is me and how much is just following everyone else. And if it is just following everyone else, is that so bad? Is that what new friendships are, or is that being fake? I try to ask myself if I'm doing things I wouldn't normally do on my own and the answer is an overwhelming yes. I wouldn't be ******* if I wasn't doing it with Jessa. I wouldn't be going to Shakespeares and drinking so much whiskey if I wasn't with Jessa. I wouldn't be buying so much beer or spending so much money on going out. But, and this is a big but, I'm having fun. And I feel perfectly comfortable saying no at anytime. I kinda suck at getting to bed on time, but I'm really having a lot of fun. And, if Jessa and I were to end for some reason, I would still want to be doing these things, I've just never had the friends or money to be able to go out all the time and try different, fancy beers and new restaurants and all this stuff. I really like it.

I guess it's just interesting because I'm doing all these new things and I like it and it should be okay, but I'm super-conscious of not wanting to change for another person. But I like going out. I like drinking whisky. I like ******. I think I wasn't doing all this before because the ex never wanted to. I did want to. Not all the time, I don't want to be drunk or ***** all the time or anything, but...I don't know. I know the whole ****** thing throws people off and I'm not sure I would be free of judgment if one of my friends all of a sudden started talking about *****, but whatev.

I don't know where I'm trying to go with all of this. I guess I'm just happy with these experiences. When I was with the ex, I was pretty constantly scared that she was going to leave me, but never that she would leave for someone else. Only that she'd get sick of me or get tired of the gay thing. (Wow, I should pay more attention to my fears, huh? huh.) With Jessa, I do have those fears about other women. I did get jealous the other night when she was in the bathroom with a woman she'd been dating until I came along. And I didn't want that woman to be sitting at our table, which she was. She left pretty soon after I showed up, but still.

I feel like this is really healthy and good that I'm having these jealous and possessive feelings. It keeps things interesting and exciting. It keeps me working hard to get to have Jessa and I think that's good.

Also, the sex. Holy shit. The sex. I feel like it's cliche or mean or wrong in some way to want to talk about it so much and describe it and try to understand all the emotions connected to it, but I can't not. It just hits me. Like, I'll be working and then all of a sudden a wave will crash through my body as I have flashes of the night or nights before. We don't have sex every night, but we do have it a lot, and dude. Last night. I can't. Oh my god. Last night.

And can I just say that I am inexperienced. I mean, I know it's all relative because there are plenty of 23 year-old virgins and there are plenty of 23 year-old studs, but I've only had 2 sexual partners. One was Dave when I was 18, and come on. That was missionary, try it twice, stop him before he finished, losing my virginity sex. I didn't like it either time, it just hurt. Then there's the ex. (I mean, I had some bases covered with my first girlfriend (and some random makeouts), but we never went so far as having sex--and please don't do the annoying "well, what is sex if it's two girls?" thing. It's sex and it's offensive that people think it can't happen. There are many different wonderful ways, just like for all the rest of you out there.) Okay. Then there's the ex. It was wonderful with her. It was beautiful and exciting and new and wonderful. I loved it.

That being said: she never wanted to do it. I hardly ever got any from her even though I gave freely of myself to her pretty much any time she would allow it. We were young and inexperienced and it was great.

But.

Now I have Jessa. Holy shit. Jessa is not inexperienced, and when I'm around her, I seem to not be inexperienced either. I just... I mean, I don't watch porn, I don't talk to people about sex tips, I've never really been taught by anyone, but I get the job done. We've all heard stories and live in a society where sex is talked about so I know this stuff isn't unheard of, but damn. I mean, I'm talking about crazy things that just happen and I didn't have them planned or know that I was going to do them, but if I'm in the heat of the moment and it seems like I should flip her upside down and hook her legs over my shoulders, then apparently I know how to do that. WHAT?! It's just amazing the things that happen and what it feels like and the absolute intimacy and connection and openness and all of it. God. I guess I can maybe understand how people can have sex with people they don't know or care about (of course I can, I had sex with Jessa the first night and I didn't really know or care about her then), but I don't know how it can be good. It's all about the passion and the connection and being in tune with each other's bodies and ... Damn. Really, I feel guilty for some reason for writing about this, but I just can't keep all this inside. I need to put it down or something. I've never thought about sex this much in my life. It's really distracting!

Whatev. Listen, I have to go now. I could keep writing but clearly I've already wasted plenty of time. Oh no. One more thing. Back to the whole she's-really-experienced thing, how can I get a better compliment than her telling me it's never been like that before? I don't know. I read this thing this moron wrote the other day and it said that sex for most college students (granted, I'm a grad now) is just a means to an end. I think that means that she thinks we're all just doing it to get to the orgasm at the end. But that's wrong. It is all about the process. It's not a job, it's an experience. The entire act is awesome, not just the climax at the end. It's all great.

Really, I could go on and on. How annoying. It's just another new experience for me. At least I can laugh at myself: what's happening in my life these days? Alcohol, *******, and sex. Wow, early 20s. Wow.