The Joys of both/and

Dude. So I'm back from San Fran/Oakland/Land of the Queers/NWSA/BEST VACATION EVER!!!!!!!

Woh. I don't even know how to talk about it. There was/is a hot non-girlfriend. (Sponsored skateboarder, currently not competing, just, y'know, teaching clinics that teach little girls to skate swoon; built her own bike sigh; is an artist, who screen prints her own stuff AND gets it tattooed on her body (it looks hot-t-t-t-t-t-t); and, y'know, really likes me and to make out with me. So that was fun.

Huh? What? Jessa who?

No sex with Hot Non-Girlfriend due to monthly cycles for both of us, but I'm relieved. I'm just not at a place where I can have non-intimate and emotional sex. So had we done that, I probably wouldn't be in contact with her and I'd be going crazy and afterwards I would have projected crazy all over her. Bummer.

Speaking of projecting (spewing being showing acting out frighteningly) crazy, let's talk about Rebecca Walker's keynote address at NWSA (National Women's Studies Association) Annual Conference--the reason I got to go on this vacation in the first place. Wow. Crazy people took over and it just went downhill from there.

Is it feminist to find Rebecca Walker overwhelmingly beautiful? I think the more she talked about being feminist and the personal being political and everyone needing to own her own shit the more attractive she became. I wasn't feeling her visible contempt for the crazy question-askers/story-tellers of the audience, but I couldn't blame her because I, too, kinda hate them.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO TO THERAPY. YES, I MEAN YOU TOO.

The Jessa break up seems to be going well. I had a short relapse on Monday night when I was first back in Columbia but I was going on four hours of terrible sleep, the depression of being back in the Midwest (we all know I love it, but it has it's struggles and I just wasn't ready to come back and be utterly unrecognizable and confusing to all patrons of the St Louis airport), and three nights in a row of getting to sleep with someone else. I missed her.

Without fail though, she was herself and because her coming over was what I wanted, it didn't happen. I never thought I'd be so thankful she's so selfish and has such power and control issues, but I think her blatant disregard for how I was feeling helped reconfirm why the break up was very good for me.

HNG living in Frisco is also very good for me. I might date her if I lived there and I don't want to date her. I don't want to date anyone. Not right now. That's just continually being confirmed in my life. I want to be single. I don't know how to do anything I want to do when I'm in a relationship. Bummer, but I think if I just hang out on my own and am forced to make my own decisions and do what I want to do I'll be forced to figure out what I like and then when I am ready to date I can continue to make decisions and even both do what I want and be in a relationship. What a novel concept.

I bought so many books and zines while on my trip. I love them all. I finished one book already, and I think 3 or 4 of the zines I bought I read in their entirety in the store before purchasing. I still have a couple books and zines to go.

And oh so much writing. I've been so inspired. Frisco was a good place.

Well, there's more to say--there always is--but I think that's good for now. Yes, both the best vacation ever, and I'm happy to be home.