Small Town Celebrity

Okay. In case any of you out there didn't know, Columbia is a small place. I won't even go through the business of how I got to hanging out with two new women last night, but I did. They're both in their fourth year of school (one's graduating and one's got one more year until she has her Master's) and DUDE, they are good friends with my first girlfriend. Yes, the first woman I ever kissed is their good friend, aaannnddd she's getting married. Dude! I was the first woman she ever kissed too. I mean, she hates me now, and has good reason to, but dang, I'm so happy for her. The Ex and I did some fucked up shit while hiding our relationship and what we did to Jenn was not so cool. I can't believe she's getting married. I can't believe she lived in the dorms with these two women I randomly hung out with and know through someone totally removed. I mean, Jenn's a dorm friend. I know these other women through, ready?, Women's Center friends -> LGBT friends -> LGBT friends' in the dorm -> LGBT dorm friends' study abroad friend. I don't know how the study abroad friend came to know these women, but then she introduced Jessa and me to them and then we hung out and then we went to the winery and yep, Columbia's a tiny place where those two know Jenn. I was friends with Jenn five years ago. That's nuts. I feel like Jenn and I really need to be friends again. But I'm not sure how to go about doing that. I guess an apology could be a start. I don't know.

Anyway. I feel like maybe that was getting boring. Let me just say one last thing: Closeted Relationships = Bad. Almost four years after it started and one year since it's ended, it still is finding new ways for all of those lies and manipulations to hurt my life. I mean, not nearly as bad as it used to, but still. Shouldn't that be over by now? And why doesn't The Ex have to deal with any of this? She just jumped so far backward deep into the closet that she can't even see the door to come out of. So she lives off in her world of false privilege pretending to care about LGBT issues, but only in a I-have-a-gay-friend/My-first-boyfriend-turned-out-to-be-gay/I'm-a-cool-straight-girl-who-is-girls-with-this-flamer type of way. God, fuck her.

And I think I may have let it slip a little what a big impact The Ex had on me to Jessa last night as we talked all about the tangled webs we weave, and specifically the fucked up web I weaved to make Jenn hate me (or at least want to never have to see or deal with me again). I was asked how long ago The Ex and I broke up and with barely a pause out came "August 25th." Because of course I remember the day. And it only took 14 minutes on the phone. I have a poem about it. Then I cried.

Abrupt (although perhaps it makes complete sense to change here) subject change.

I lay awake in bed last night. We got home (back to my house) after a great night of winery, then awesome new restaurant, then back to their house to chill out (y'know) and Jessa played her guitar and it was awesome. (Oh my god, side note: she is so fucking good. Seriously.) I immediately started to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I have to be at work early every morning. Jessa didn't really like that. So I said I'd lay on the couch with her as she wound down, but I immediately fell asleep with my head in her lap and then something happened where she wanted to move or something, so I got up and just went to bed. I was asleep and then she came to bed and woke me up with sex. Awesome. I told her I would wake up. Which I have and haven't done before. It usually depends on how tired I am and how much wine I've had and how long I've been sleeping and all sorts of stuff. So we woke up and had sex.

I can't even write about this. It hurts me. And then I lay awake in bed last night. With Jessa. That's not supposed to happen with her.