At This Moment

I don't want chemicals effecting my brain. And my mood. And my life. I don't want coffee or alcohol or muscle relaxers or pot. I don't want knowledge or emotion. I don't want love. God. I don't want love. I don't want sex or passion. I don't want experiences and feeling. I don't want hidden love or painful secrets. I don't want wanting. I don't want goodbyes or hellos. I don't want her to know those secrets. I don't want anyone to know any secrets. I don't want to have secrets. I want to sleep alone in the humidity with only my own sweat to hold me. I want to have my head under a pillow with my eyes open feeling my hot breath bounce and bead along my face and the cloth. I want to have never met her. Or her. And definitely not her. I don't want anyone to know me or like me. I don't want to remember. I don't want to ever speak again. What a relief life could be in silence. Never again to open my mouth. Never again to express needs, eventually to forget I even have some of my own. I want to devote my life to only one other person and have the ability to make her happy and then I don't have to think about me or even exist anymore. I don't really care who, just anyone. I want to read books and never write again. I want to destroy all my old journals so no one and especially not me can ever read or remember. I want to not exist. I want my hot water heater to be stronger and bigger and I want to go sit in the shower steaming up my entire bathroom and out into my entire apartment and just sit at the bottom of the tub under the water with nothing but hot water and steam hiding and smothering me. I want my windows to steam up so no one can see in and no one will notice because the windows will blend in and no one will want to know me or talk to me or get to know me. No one will want to know what's wrong and no one will ask me to make it better because I won't be there to make it better and no one will need me to. I want her to be happy. I want for love and money and sex and pain to not exist. I want to forget everything that's ever happened to me. I want to be out in the rain and floating out past the breakers and being carried downstream. I want the sun to warm my skin and my ears to be underwater. I don't want to escape into substances and forget who I am while being reminded of it. I want to lay down on the floor and do ten pushups and feel the scratch of the carpet on my face. I never want to eat again. I want to be invisible, or at least not noticable. I want. I don't want.