it has begun

fuck.

jessa fell asleep last night.

are you fucking kidding me.

seriously. for how many years did i train myself to just not talk about how i feel because as soon as i started to, the ex would fall asleep.

i mean, i was just reciting poetry (i fucked up a lot) and it was really late and i wanted to fall asleep too, but come on.

why do people do this? why?

she fucking fell asleep?! really?

she was really cute about it because as soon as i realized she was asleep (i have a ton of practice) i couldn't do it. i couldn't. fuck. so i turned over and curled a little bit away from her. her arm was still around me so she could feel me doing it and she ended up pulling me back close to her and spooning me and she said--in those voices heavy with sleep which i always love, but right now is killing me because it means SHE FELL ASLEEP!!!!!!!--"put me to sleep like that every night." it was cute and nice and i absolutely love that she wants to hear me recite poetry. no one else ever even likes that. they just get annoyed. or don't get it. but she just wanted to hear it. and that's why i have all these poems memorized. in the hopes that someday there will be someone who enjoys hearing them. (and to randomly quote them because that's cool too.)

i just, i hate that i'm going through these arguments again. even if they are true this time that it's nice that she's that comfortable with me and it was meant to be like a lullaby and it just means i have a soothing voice and yada yada, even if it's true, i never ever wanted to be in this place again. ever. i never wanted to have to try to convince myself that i'm important and worth listening to and all that bullshit.

i thought i would never have to deal with this again.

all i can think is that this really is me. it's gotta be. how can this not be about me? i mean, autumn and i joked that the ex was just crazy and fell asleep all the time when i was telling her my deepest, darkest secrets and opening up as much as i could, but this is what happens to me. people fall asleep.

and i know all the arguments that we were both tired and it was so late and i was only reciting her poetry, but come on. how do i know that she will stay awake when it's me. when it's about me. i mean, it's still my voice. newsflash: my poetry reciting/reading voice is extremely similar to my here's-me-opening-up voice. quiet and slow.

i thought she stayed up late too.

i just don't want to have to deal with this. for over three fucking years i've been dealing with how to make it so the person i'm talking to doesn't fall asleep while i'm talking. regardless of where we are or what we're doing or what time it is.

with the ex i finally just stopped talking.

i can't.