Almost a Month, wowza

So I came back from San Francisco. I moved there for ten days. Then I moved back. And everything was the same but I felt different. Maybe now I'm back to normal.

There's a lot of change happening. Change brings up other change. And I remember. All the stuff I usually forget, I remember it in the change.

There have been so many women, and a couple men, in my life that have had such huge impacts on who I am and who I've become and who I'm still becoming.

I think sometimes I work really hard to keep people out, even hiding it from myself because I have too good of a therapist and if I'm aware of it then she'll pull it out of me and I'll have to stop. It's amazing to me that we all walk around in our worlds everyday and we may not even be aware of what we're doing or why we're doing it. You'd think we'd have an idea of what's going on in our lives, but I'm not always convinced we do. Or, I guess, I'm not always convinced I do.

I saw a friend (friend? teammate? friend of a friend?) I hadn't seen in probably seven years and she didn't know me but thought that she did. She thought she knew me then, and then she thought I was still the person she thought she knew. I don't want to be her friend (or whatever) anymore.

At what point do I stop giving up on people and start on making it work anyway? Were the friends I've had from past versions of my life really bad? Were they good then and only bad now?

More to the point, do the friends I have now have the potential to become those bad friends I used to have? Because with each new group of friends, with each change, with each new version of my life, the old somehow becomes wrong, when maybe I just want it to be different, or even better, just old.

I don't remember how to write blog posts. Maybe I don't want to. I'm sure it'll come back to me.