Rapid Downward Spiral

Oh god. Oh god oh god ohgod! It's the same. It's the same. It's all the same and it can't be because it's all the bad that's the same and it's all the good that's changed. bp isn't around anymore. I've been back at work for about two hours and it's all the same. ***** didn't get me his procards and ****** wouldn't stop talking even after I asked him to and in the car on the drive back last night I was regaled with stories of racism and classism and sexism and homophobia and dickhead white males with their unchecked privilege running amuck. The 10 year old who turns 11 today was called a sissy yesterday BY HIS TEACHER (oh, I'm almost crying, by his teacher) so now today all the kids, on his birthday, are gonna call him a sissy and all I can think of is the show I saw in SF this June where they acted out what it was like to be gender variant in school and not have any friends and get bullied and beat up and shit on by everyone and the main character was a boy-acting girl (who later transitioned--so really, boy-acting boy stuck in the body of a girl--and that needs to be honored but for the clarity of this shaky handed rant and to keep it historically accurate he'll be refered to as "she") and she got beat up and picked on all the time and didn't have any friends, but then she did have one and it was a girl-acting boy and he got it even worse (see aforementioned "sissy" comment) and when the show was over he had committed suicide and the main character was alone again and it was one of the few shows in my life where I just didn't even bother to wipe away the tears, until even after the applause was done because none of us boygirlboygirlboygirlwhat?s in the audience could sit down or stop clapping and the first thing I said when I turned to beth and tried to soak up too many tears with just the non-absortant skin of my fingers and hands was "remember high school?" And we laughed, in the audience, through our tears, because what else can we do, me and some of those that overheard me as we sat back down because we've all been miserable and we've all been sad and picked on and bullied and shit on because we're "different" and now I'm back to this state where I get stared at for being funny looking instead of attractive and it just can't be the same, it can't be, it can't be and I've only been back at work for two hours and already it's the same because ***** didn't get me his procards and ***** wouldn't stop talking when I needed him to and the comforts and good stuff are different and oh god oh god oh god.

Oh god. That was a rapid downward spiral.