Admitting it is the first step, alright, I'm working on it

I do this thing where when I get hurt by a friend, my only response is to pretend like I don't need that friend. I start doing small talk only, but I'm really good at small talk, so it seems I'm saying more than I actually am, when really, I'm saying nothing at all. Rather than admit that I'm hurt (this happens especially when I feel ignored, cool), I'll just act as if I'm totally cool and totally fine and in fact so good that I no longer need the friend.

I'm watching myself do this, feeling it happening, hanging up the phone and wanting to cry, walking away and needing to write or else I'll burst, and yet I feel hopeless to stop it.

I was once accused of shutting people out. I got very angry. But in my anger I justified it: "who have I cut off that didn't cut me off first?"

I'm not sure that's enough of a justification any longer. Especially not in this example, but there's the side of me that's been utterly convinced I no longer matter for the entire time I felt hurt, so why why why would I actually talk to my friend and tell her I'm hurt? Why would I do that? Clearly she just doesn't want to be my friend anymore and hates me and wants me to get the hint that she doesn't want me to talk to her anymore.

I'm maybe finally emotionally healthy enough to realize that all of my friends don't secretly hate me and I can trust them and if I'm hurt we can work through it and I just need to talk.

Then she called and I got all pissed all over again because I answered excitedly and it's just tense and fuck it we need to talk, but I'm much better at believing she doesn't want to.

I need more sleep. At least I've figured out how to again...