addendum

But I've been thinking, and I'd much rather spend my birthday in airport security lines than with my parents.

Bummer. Who are these people with families they love? What's that like?

My mind is overtaken with the anxiety of going/not going, lying/telling the truth, doing what I want/doing the same old thing of hating myself, admitting how shitty it feels to not like my family/keeping up the lie and just being sad on the inside...

It doesn't stop. It won't stop.

Complete cut off is not a decision I can get behind at this point, but I also can't get behind seeing them at this wedding, at Thanksgiving, or at Christmas. Everyone already knows about Christmas and I think assumes about Thanksgiving, but I already said I'd go to this wedding. No matter how hard I try and how many times I've looked at the flights reservations page online, I just can't commit to actually making the reservation and actually reserving myself to going.

But how do I tell Dad? It shouldn't be about him. It should be about Anne, the cousin getting married.

I'm sick of this and my time is being pulled away from me by too many others that I don't know how to stand up to. I do, I just don't.

All I feel is that I just want to be left alone.