Fortune Teller

November 30, 2005: "I'm going to enjoy this before we really get attached and into each other and she sees more of the crazy and I have to tell her all these things I hate telling people and she sees me cry and gets pissed off when I turn away for my own fucked up reasons. Right now, we're still okay and happy with each other and excited to get to know one another and figuring out what it's like to be with and around one another and well, I don't know."

She sees more of the crazy and I have to tell her all these things I hate telling people and she sees me cry and gets pissed off when I turn away for my own fucked up reasons.

Last night she saw me cry and got pissed off when I turned away for my own fucked up reasons. Pissed off and confused and hurt.

I mean, I showed up for my own fucked up reasons. And I think she was glad. She was glad. But I cried. And I turned away. And today, I came across those words I wrote so long ago and I guess I was further along in the healing process than I thought because this pattern and cycle that I'm in, it's not new or exciting or shocking, I knew it was coming.

I'm not taking all of the blame. I'm tired of complaining about her. I need to stop pretending. I'm the one who turned away. I'm the one who turns away.

I am the one who turns away.