katie's leaving to-day

Katie leaves today. Katie. Like, Katie. Like, how will the Women's Center even pretend to exist without her? Like, the first time I walked into this place that taught me what home means, there she was, laughing and probably being inappropriate with bp. Katie, whose office I used to go into when there was really no where else to go and no one else to talk to. Katie, who took me into her home when I had none. Katie, who helped me through something I thought I’d never survive. Katie, who followed me out into the hallway after I’d said goodbye to the Anarchist Sowing Circle and hugged me as I cried telling me I’d always have a home with her and that my real home is with the people I love who love me right back and that I could always call her. Katie, who followed me out of the Social Justice Seder when I walked in and was so overwhelmed with all of it I started crying, and she followed me outside, and hugged me as I cried. Katie, who’d probably follow me anywhere if she thought I was even the least bit sad.

To Katie, who I’ll follow up to Chicago, just so I can say hi. Because she’s followed me enough, maybe it’s high time I step out on my own, or even go to her. I’m tired of making people run after me. I do it because I’m scared they’re going to leave, or not going to want me once I get there, but everyone always leaves anyway, so it’s time to stop being so fucking scared all the time and start at least enjoying my friends while they’re around.

Last night I rolled away and didn’t sleep well and it was all because if no one can get close then it won’t hurt when they leave. At least that’s what I tell myself. But I tried to not be too close to Katie. Even with all that she did for me. I was scared. And now she’s leaving. Today. I already said goodbye. A teary goodbye she couldn’t follow me on.

Oh fuck this. I’m going to lunch. I don’t even care how this reads. I hate it. I hate Columbia. I can’t live in this city where everyone fucking leaves, but where the fuck else am I supposed to go? I only know how to be happy (or at least happy-ish) in this town.

I’m not hungry. I’m going to lunch.