let's try this again

Jessa's being a bitch. She's being mean. I don't like it. When I go to kiss her, she tells me I have bad breath. When I ask to hear "I love you" she won't say it. When I was trying to give her sex, she opened her eyes and saw her terrible and ugly ex-girlfriend. She "doesn't know what to do" because all of her hook-ups (as she titles them, not me) of the past six months have contacted her wanting to hook-up again. (And yes, I need to add the emphatic "all of them" that she repeated with such confusion and was so troubled over.) She just doesn't know what to do.

You know that expression "nice guys finish last." Well, I'm not a guy, but fuck it if I don't feel like I'm finishing last. It's like, the nicer I am, the better care I take of the other person, the less I demand of her, the more I take care of her, the worse and worse and worse and worse and worse she is to me. Why does the kindness of one lead to the meanness of another?

Why must I demand fair treatment? Why can't I just have it? Or remember way back at the beginning of this when it felt like I was not only getting fair treatment, but I was perhaps being taken care of? Don't I deserve to be taken care of?

Yes. I do. But I don't think I ever will. I really don't. And I don't say that, at this point anyway, with sadness. I mean, it'd be nice, but I'm not going to demand it of anyone because demanding to be taken care of means I'm still doing the work, and I don't think anyone's ever going to do it on her own.

She's just very selfish at times. She has no interest in so many of my stories. She gets annoyed at so many of them. I wonder what it's like to have someone who can actually put up with all of my stories and thoughts and ramblings and movie quotes and poetic expressions. And I'm not even going to dream of accepting and enjoying them, I'm just hoping for "putting up with". Last night when I did a fair job (for me) expressing upsetness at her not saying "I love you" when I ask to hear it, I said that I ask for it expressly because I can feel it, but it feels different when I can hear it "dancing around in my ears."

At few other times in my life have I felt so stupid. And I know that's a stupid thing to say. Here I am admitting to it, but I shouldn't have felt quite as stupid as I did around her. And I like the idea that someday I may find someone who only knows it's stupid the way I know it's stupid. But I can still say it and she can still get it.

And Jessa gets so pissed at me for being sensitive or taking things too seriously, but when I say my stupid-ass, most-transparent joke IN THE WORLD, "hey, you dropped something" she takes it soooooo seriously and gets soooooo pissed off. Last night she really told me that I'm not allowed to tell that joke anymore. What the fuck is her deal?

Let's not even get into my life-long fear of "all I'm good for is sex" and how well Jessa keeps that one coming. And oh yeah, did I ever tell anyone about how way back when she said that she wouldn't like me anymore if I wasn't still skinny?