the meaning of the word

Watch me be co-dependent as I walk out your door.
Watch me be co-dependent as I go home and cry in the shower
And live this life I've been living.
I may be sad, but I'm not happy just because you're there.

It may feel better to get a hug
But you do not solve my problems
By wrapping your arms around like an obligation.

I may express my needs,
But in my world, that's what a healthy relationship looks like.
Watch me be co-dependent as I'm happy and single.
Watch me be co-dependent when Stefania hugs me out of love
And doesn't think I owe her something for it.
Watch me be co-dependent as I call Autumn and she gets as much from me
As she gives.
Watch me be co-dependent as I walk out of work in 19 minutes,
Hop on my bike and ride to Sarah's house;
Not because she expects it,
Because she loves me.

Watch me be co-dependent when you call me crying.
Is this about my breakdown?
My one breakdown after going through hell?
You've never been through that, how dare you judge me for my reactions.
I didn't call you first, I called Sarah.

Dictionary.com:
1. Mutually dependent.
2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.



Okay. I took a deep breath. I don't pretend that's a poem, it's just thoughts that deserved their own lines. Jessa called me co-dependent. Fuck her. She also asks me to marry her once or twice a week. She wants me to move in with her. She ...

I keep trying to think about how to solve this and talk about it and be adult and express my needs (although we saw how that went last night when I said I felt insecure and that it feels good to have her hold me and she told me I was smashing her, then sat up and finished putting her shoes on so we could go), but all I go to is proving to her how absolutely not dependent I am on her by leaving. She can fucking call me on Friday, because I have shit to do. I am so sick of working my ass off for this fucking relationship. I mean, yeah, it's good, but jesus christ motherfucker. I have to fucking talk to her about me being co-dependent. Woh projection. And don't get me started on all her crystal bullshit. It's a rock. It only has power because she puts power into it, but she can't even entertain the idea of me being in on that. Co-dependent? Because I don't want her sleeping around? Because I asked for a hug? Because I had a breakdown? Is that why? Even the fucking readers of this blog who are trusted friends don't know what the fuck the breakdown was about, even if they do have an idea, and now I'm getting bullshit for that. I can't fucking stand it. I refuse to allow this woman to continue my insecurities about my emotions being invalid.

Here's what I wrote LAST NIGHT (before she called me at work today and told me that to keep us from having anything to worry about our interactions need to change because I'm co-dependent):

Fuck. It's at home. But it's this whole long thing about how I just want my silence to be enough and I'm working on expressing my needs and that if she refuses to hug me when I ask for it can she at least not invalidate how I'm feeling and blame me for it in an indirect way telling me that I have fucking control over my emotions and that no one can make me feel any certain way unless I let them.

I hate her right now. Maybe this is what true love is like because I'm absolutely fucking enraged. And I know that I come here and write only during the bad times, but FUCK! Have they not been bad enough? What am I doing here? I can be perfectly happy on my own. And if not, I can be as happy as I am now because any problems or issues that I may have are mine and I'm working on them. She's the motherfucker who needs me and uses me for my car and DVD player and cable.

Dudes, I'm pissed. Can it just be nine minutes from now and time for me to go to Sarah's and fucking break the fuck down in anger. And Sarah will let me too.

This is bullshit. Maybe I'll just leave. I'm so outta here. Bye. And maybe bye to her too. Co-dependent my ass. My ass walking out the door. Then we'll see who's co-dependent.