his shoes were too tight

Sometimes I wonder if I'm only with her because it's better than being alone. When I was so sad because of the family and I had the usual I've-been-back-for-two-days breakdown Sarah said she thought it was only because I was alone. I disagree, but I understand why she may have thought that. I am sadder when I'm alone. Or maybe the only times I'm able to truly feel my sadness are when I'm alone. Because how could I express sadness and the feeling of worthlessness and the shit I go through because of the family (and I know I take part) when I'm around other people? People don't want to be around me when I'm like that and I don't particularly want to be around them because all I'll do is pretend so that they don't feel uncomfortable which just makes me feel worse.

The point is, I don't like being alone. I like the external validation Jessa gives me and I like not being alone, and I like her, but...

And then work happened, but I guess I went through the work of writing that paragraph and unfinished sentence, may as well post it. It's the same amount of work as deleting it.

Why do I have a defeated feeling as if I've lost at something?