rightful ownership

The Thought
I looked her in the eye last night, after an evening of emotion she couldn't recognize, and I wondered in my head if I had indeed given her my heart or if I'd even be hurt if we ended. I know it's probably bad and wrong, but this is a place for honesty in a world I've made full of lies, or at least omissions.

The Cause
I talked to Autumn last night for the first time in much too long. I felt relaxed and energized simply to have heard her voice and concerns and truths. Not only the truths of her life, but her truths for me. How is it that we're capable of knowing one other person so well? How is it that we're capable of loving one other person so well? How is it possible that others have this with entire other groups of people? I get mad at people for judging me because of my lack of family, but I judge them as well, I judge them for the importance and immense value they put into their families, but if I had an entire group of people who made me feel like Autumn makes me feel... Well, I wish I had a family with love like the familial love Autumn and I have for one another.

I went outside to talk to Autumn. We had to talk about _________ ... does it really matter exactly what we talked about? I think it doesn't. I think what matters is that we talked about the things that we don't to anyone else about and it was okay. And even though the subjects we cover are extremely tough and confidential we laugh and we smile and damnit we love one another. It's this acceptance that I just don't know what to do with except rejoice and take comfort in.

So we talked about these things--these haunting, shameful, upsetting things--and we were honest about them. Because when we as people in general talk about The Sad Things, they're not always sad at those moments. And if they're persavise inside of us, why must we treat them with such gravity at all points? I can't do it. Autumn understands that when I speak of these issues within me, they are the ones that keep me up at night and cause so much pain and make me cry and sob and silence myself, but she also knows that they're just another part of me. I can speak of them without forcing the tone of my voice and demeanor to hold the weight they can push down upon me.

I can get angry with Autumn in a way I've never been able to get angry with anyone else, ever. I can get angry with Autumn in ways I can't even get angry by myself. And it feels so good. We started talking and I walked into Jessa's bedroom and talked on her bed. Autumn expressed some of her issues and I rolled onto the floor in my empathetic yet silent protest to the pain and hurt that lives within her. From the floor, I played the vague-on-the-phone-because-of-who-can-overhear game, and then I slipped on my shoes and went outside. I paced up and down the block, raised my voice in the empty parking lot, startled the man walking his dog, and felt better. I got angry at not receiving all that I deserve. I defended my actions and the actions of those around me, even if they're not perfect. I called myself an asshole and even got validated in that because Autumn and I have an honesty beyond what the world really understands.

The Result Within Me
When I walked back into Jessa's apartment, I could feel a lightness in my step. It felt like part of my lungs had been blocked, and after talking to Autumn, I could finally breathe fully again. I smiled without noticing.

I pretty quickly explained to Jessa that I hoped she wasn't insulted I went outside.

"No, it was nice, you were kinda loud." In that tone of hers with so much underlying ugliness spitting out the words.

She didn't take away the good feeling, but she did bring back my ability to be angry and to know that I deserve the best the world has to offer. That comment is not the best the world has to offer. I answered with sarcasm and humor and the fucking immediate reinstatement of the walls around my heart. I had just defended my girlfriend to my best friend so I didn't shut down or shut her out, but the guard was back up. And the memories came back. The thoughts swirling around inside that had been perking up much too often lately until my talk with Autumn silenced them at least temporarily, were taken off their lunch breaks and came back.

"When I opened my eyes as we were passionately making out, you looked like Shannon."

Oh really? I looked like her ex who was awful, a total mooch, a bitch, physically attacked her, didn't deserve her, didn't respect her, did way too many drugs, an alcoholic, irresponsible, and UGLY?! That's what I looked like to my girlfriend. To the girlfriend who earlier that morning I had woken up with ON MY WEEKEND instead of sleeping in, and cooked her breakfast and made her coffee. That's what I looked like to the girlfriend who the day before I had taken time out of my Saturday to pick her up cigarettes (with my own money) and make her a sandwich so she could eat at work. To the girlfriend I'd been taking care of. To the girlfriend I give up sleep for.

Oh fuck this. I'm getting pissed off. A little bit after the "I'm too loud" comment, I asked her to tell me she loved me and she wouldn't. Awesome.

Back to work.