hierarchy of needs and struggles

Jessa walked into her apartment last night, knowing I was away at dinner with friends, totally wasted, and with her still-has-an-amazing-amount-of-emotional-power-over-her and also wasted ex-girlfriend. Jessa, my admittedly and adamantly non-monogamous girlfriend, showed up at her house with her ex last night looking for closure when she knew I wouldn’t be there. Completely drunk at 6:30 on a Wednesday, my never-been-in-a-monogamous relationship girlfriend took her ex back to her place when she knew I wouldn’t be there.

Here’s the thing. I was there. Dinner got out early and I tried to call her, but her phone was off, so I took my left-overs to her place to put in her fridge so I could bring them to lunch with me today (it’s a given I’d sleep there), and as I walked out, in the two of them stumbled.

In the two of them stumbled.

In stumbled my non-monogamous girlfriend with the woman she hates so much my relationship with one of the best friends I have in the world has suffered. In she stumbles with the woman who before that had always been referred to as “cuntwhorebitch.”

In stumbled the two of them, wasted, to Jessa’s apartment, looking for closure before the ex moves away forever in one week. In they stumbled to Jessa’s apartment. Her apartment. She hates being in her apartment. She wants to be out at a bar.

So I was there. I was in there. They were worried because the door was open. I was just running in and out, there was no point in locking it up.

What if I had shown up 10 minutes later? What would I have seen?

In stumbled Jessa with the ex she continued to have sex with long after their relationship ended.

What if I had shown up 10 minutes earlier? What would I have missed?

In this relationship, here’s what I pay attention to:
She’s fun.
She makes me feel good.
I get a huge ego boost and can believe it.
I’m able to believe the good stuff when she tells it to me.
I have fun.
I’m happy. Fuck dude. I’m happy.
I get to be out.
I’m treated well.
I’m taken care of.
I get to be social and meet a lot of new, cool people.
I have a ton of friends.
Lots of people like me and I need that reassurance at this point in my life.
I’m in a relationship where I’m honest and learning what that’s like.
I’m in a relationship where I matter; not just my girlfriend.
I have a ton of fun.
I’m no longer lonely, sad, or feel like a burden.
I feel wanted, and not just by her, my friends seem to like me more too because they’re not constantly having to find time for me.
She has a lot of strong friendships.
She’s loyal.
She’s smart and she constantly tells me how smart I am and truly makes me feel that way.
The sex is great.

Here’s what I purposely ignore:
She’s a pothead.
She drinks too much.
She doesn’t “get” monogamy. She doesn’t practice it and she says she doesn’t understand it. (She hasn’t been with anyone since being with me, but only because she knows I wouldn’t allow it.)
She’s really bad with money.
She likes other drugs (but hasn’t done any while I’ve been with her).

Last night I was absolutely forced to examine the fact that she gives me no reason to trust her, she clearly has the ability to change her mind about someone in the flash of a drunken afternoon, and that she drinks way too much.

But we just got a phone call of a woman looking for counseling because she just had twins and they both died. If work won’t make it better, it’ll put it in perspective and at least distract me…