ain't no in between

Yo.

So what I really feel like I need to do is just copy and paste the email I just received. I mean, there you go.

I'll at least have to quote it:

"and I know you and I love you, but sweetie, you kill me sometimes. Because you are so intense."

"It's fucking scary, because she has your metaphorical heart in her hot little hands, and she can make you feel like shit, and she can throw your heart on the ground, and stomp on it. But she can also make you feel the best you've ever felt. You have to put that trust in her. Otherwise, what's the point?"

And seriously, what is the fucking point? Last night as we talked it out--I know, what a phenomenal idea, talking about your feelings and working them out with the person you should be talking to and working them out with, woh--Jessa posed the same f-ing question. She wanted to know why I was with her and why we were saying we love each other and what we were doing if this whole monogamy thing wasn't worked out.

And fuck yeah man. She deserves that. I've been looking at this relationship from the "it's good now, and then she'll cheat on me and it'll end" standpoint. Shitty. I mean, a good defense, a nice wall to protect my heart, but come on, so unfair to her. I wasn't telling her that I was just waiting for her to fuck up and then I would end it. I wasn't telling her what I was thinking and envisioning.

News flash: I'm not perfect. And I shouldn't be. Not that I in anyway think I'm perfect, on the contrary, as she was explaining that it was just me last night, I asked her how I could ever be enough. I mean, this is a woman who likes to have a lot of people, and yet, she's just picking me. I don't really think I'm worthy of a normal person, but now this awesome woman who likes a lot of people is happy with just me??? Really?

I've put this pressure on myself to be perfect. Like, right now I'm not whole, I'm just a work in progress. And while we are all works in progress, we're fucking real people too. I'm a real person damnit! And a good one. I mean, alright at least. Blah blah blah.




a friend conceded i caught myself in a tv moment
but also that i can't be mad at something that didn't happen.
nothing happened.

my girlfriend said i'm the only one for her
and she means it
so how can i question.

both of them asked me,
"what's the point?"
because without the trust,
what is the point?





you know that sex and the city where carrie meets the guy with the tweety bird tattoo and it's got the whole circus theme and she's/they're all so convinced that all men are from the circus and all have a crazy hidden past and are nutso but then at the end of the episode it turns out that she's the crazy circus one?

well, this is a commitment issue, right? A commitment and trust issue? Even though Jessa's the decidedly non-monogamous one, I'm the one who's not committing. She;'s totally put that away and still admits that she doesn't "get" it, but that she's not going to be with anyone else while she's with me because she fucking wants to be with me and isn't going to do anything stupid to mess that up. And also that she doesn't want anyone else but me. She says I'm totally enough. Me. She says I'm more than enough and I make her happy and I (uncomfortable and I can't believe it because I'm a weirdo and insecure compliment that then made me cover my ears and sing la la la la so that I couldn't heart the rest of what she was saying) and a ton of great shit. I'm the one not trusting, I'm not committing, I'm just halfway there and that's gonna make it worse no matter where we are. And I know I have trust issues, I totally do, but I'm working on them and if I don't push myself as much as I can, well, then let's get back to our theme: what's the point?

If I'm going to be in this relationship then I may as well be all the fucking way in it. And if she makes me happy, why the fuck should I care about the other stuff. Yeah, it was scary that she walked in with her ex when she didn't expect me to be there and they were both drunk, but they didn't do anything and they weren't going to do anything. I can analyze as much as I want, but it all comes down to trust. I need to trust her. I can't go through this relationship needing to know where she's at every second of every day. I can't be Emily not allowing Ross to see Rachel. He's going to see Rachel because that's who he is and Jessa's going to find out her ex is moving away and need to make peace with her before she leaves. (That's actually pretty cool.)

Any one of us could be lying. I could be lying. I could say I have this kick ass job, but maybe I don't. Maybe I'm addicted to porn and I really go to the sex shop everyday. I mean, Jessa's not with me right now, but fuck, I trust that she's not with anyone else. Because that's what it all comes down to: trust.

I either have to bite the bullet and trust her or give up and be on my own until I find someone I can trust. It's not fair to either of us for me to be on the fence here, telling her I love her, but not at all trusting her. That's not the way it works. Wednesday and yesterday sucked, but they're over now. A lot of good stuff was said yesterday and man, this was probably good. It got worked out. I can trust her now. I do trust her now.

"shit fucking happens. And you have to decide what's more important to you. Being with her, or being sane. My money's on being with her. Because that sounds more fun. But I'll leave that decision up to you."