The Next Step

If only she could understand the power of the statement. If only she knew what it meant. What it means.

"I'm finally open to the idea of you."

I'm open to the idea of Jessa hurting me. I'm open to the idea of her taking up space in my journals and being what I think about and taking part in my life story. When I tell the story of my life, she'll be the woman that followed the ex. She'll be the next one. The next real one. I have the story of Random Makeout and that's all that was and it helped along the way. I have the story of secret unattainable crush just to test out these feelings and realize that I'm actually able to feel certain ways for certain people that aren't the ex. I found an absolutely unattainable attraction just to figure out I was capable of getting tingly in my chest and giggly in my descriptions. An unattainable attraction to take steps forward and know that even if the ex sucked the love out of me, she can never take away my capacity for love.

When I turned and whispered to Stefania after more held glances and smiles across the room that "I'm going to talk to her tonight" I was ready. I made the decision that I was ready to talk to Jessa. I knew within myself that I was ready to open up, at least a little bit, to someone else being in my life. It was not my intention to take her home that night, or to have sex with her, or to start a u-haul relationship, but I think that's maybe part of the point. My intention was to talk to her and see where it went and try it out. (I have butterflies in my stomach right now, finally allowing myself to--as much as I can--unabashedly feel, to truly remember.) I wanted at least her number, I wanted a new experience, I wanted to go home with her, I wanted an awkward kiss goodnight, I wanted flirting, I wanted everything all wrapped into one and I ended up getting one of the stories. I got an experience and it's turned into something more and I'm so thankful for that.

I've taken another step. And I know how important it is for me to own my own decisions and choices, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Two nights ago talking to Stefania I figured out what I wanted to do and she helped me so much. She suggested the mere idea of an emotion and it was enough to allow me to finally feel what I was feeling. I jumped on it and expressed all the "buts" that happen and that I don't want to over-therapize everything and that I don't want to feel the need to be the perfect picture of responsibility at all times and it doesn't feel chaotic or out of control or wrong, it feels like a relief. It feels like life is supposed to feel and like I'm finally believing in myself enough to validate my own emotions without first checking in with someone else. I'm also finally trusting myself enough to know that no matter what happens in the future I will be okay.

Really listen to that. Focus on it. Read it again: I'm finally trusting myself enough to know that no matter what happens in the future I will be okay.

And that makes me feel much more in charge and control of my own life and role in this relationship than I was before. Before it felt like I needed to end it, but I didn't want to so I was being an asshole to her and unfair to both of us and going against what I wanted but "doing the right thing." It felt contradictory and wrong. Even though I did call Autumn and tell her "If I'm still together with this girl when I come to visit you in three weeks, slap some sense into me." Even though when I was at therapy I was feeling like I needed to jump off the Jessa train before it wrecked horribly hurting me too much and I gave Debbie the opportunity to tell me that I should end it and the ability to play my words back to me in definitive statements.

I've changed my mind. When this train crashes, she'll be crashing on my train as much as I am on hers and we will both be okay again.

"I am finally open to the idea of you."

I'm no longer at the "I want and am finally ready for an experience" stage. I'm now truly open to the idea of her. To truly giving her a chance, whereas before I was not at all ready for something like that. I'm still not thinking that she's the next long term girlfriend or she's the one forever or anything like that, but I am saying that I'm open to her. I don't know how to explain it but it feels so good inside. The world on my shoulders feels lighter because I've allowed myself the pleasure of feeling emotions and admitting to them and believing in their validity and truth.

Because I somehow feel it's necessary: while she says "I love you" at this point, she never amended the "'love' is different that 'in love'" speech that we had and I do not say "I love you" back. There was the original drama the first night she said it (see archives for that meal of a story), and then once more that I said it when I was way too drunk. Three nights ago, she said "I'm falling in love with you." Two nights ago, I said "I'm falling in love with you." I said it twice. I have a key to her apartment. She does not have a key to my apartment, nor is she going to get one anytime soon, despite her best efforts to convince me I should (only without flat out asking so she doesn't get a flat out rejection).

Last night she said that with me she feels like she's been given the chance of doing it right. She says so many good things. We're really good for each other.

I know I get/got negative, but I've been positive too. It was my fear masked as responsibility only focusing on the bad. What about the fact that I'm in a relationship where I'm loved? What about the fact that I'm in a relationship that makes me happy? What about the fact that I'm in a relationship with the most amazing sex anyone has ever imagined? (Ice, honey, handcuffs, tie blindfolds...) What about the fact that I'm being taken care of? Hello? Do we remember the ex? I am currently being taken care of. It's so amazing to feel this. To know I can have this. To have this. To truly experience it. To be exposed to her friends and her life and her experiences and her personal wisdom and her books and her stories and her.

I know I flip flop. If she mentions non-monogamy I know I'll be back here immediately speaking of her evil and how I deserve so much more, but that's a part of it.

The new me: unabashedly feeling. All of it.

Maybe she doesn't have to be one or the other. Maybe she's both good and bad at the same time. Maybe we all are.