i feel quiet

i feel quiet. in the way i feel after i've just had emotion. dave put it best so many years ago, but i can't remember his exact words.

i feel quiet in a way that doesn't go away by talking about it or writing about it or playing soccer. it may go away with a hold, not a hug with a beginning and an end, but a hold where our bodies are just together now and will be again soon, even though we may have stopped touching. it may go away with an unprovoked kiss on the top of my head, no rhyme or reason, just an action done out of care.

i'm not looking for anyone to fix this and it's probably best that i'm alone right now. it's just one that will go away with time. not all the way away where it no longer exists, but just away, inside the toy chest in my head that's now filled with grown up things, in the corner of the living room in my frontal lobe. there's a lot of storage up there and every once in a while i need to pick up the bits of myself strewn on the floor. but i guess this sadness just needs some air before i close it away again. because it can't be locked away. it seeps out under the closet door and through the keyhole on the trunk so i may as well have it in the chest in the corner of the room in my head where all of my emotions live because then it can get out when it needs to, but at least i always know where it is, living within me, not about to make a sneak attack.

there's a submission in this sadness, which is where i guess the silence comes from. i can try to tell you where the sadness came from and how it came about, but it's not about this one conversation or this one subject; it's everything that's ever been talked about, it's everything in the world i'll never be able to make better. i'm not ghandi and i'm not mother theresa, i don't have delusions of grandeur that i can make peace or can stop world hunger, but to live in my life i have to have some sort of faith that i can help make the worlds i live in better places. that i can make this friend remember that she is loved, and this friend remember that she's beautiful, and all of us remember that we have worth. i truly don't pretend that i am capable of taking away hurt or fear, but i have to believe that i can bring love and comfort.

this is the sadness of submission. i submit to ugly. at this point, i submit. i submit to hatred and fear. i submit to discrimination and prejudice and the world being absolutely unfair.

this silence is the sadness of submission.
this is silently submitting to sadness.
this is the sadness of silent submission.
I submit to Sadness. Silently.