Unusual

Usually, I only come here to post if I know I have something to say. I'll have at least what I want to talk about planned out, and then I'll write about it and it feels good. I'm not saying unexpected things don't happen, because they do and they're often the best part, but I at least have an idea of what I want to write about.

Not right now. Right now I just know that I want to write. I want to have this feeling of my hands tapping away at all the keys, and the strain on my right pinky as I repeatedly reach for the backspace button.

I have emotion within me and there's a familiar fear creeping up of not wanting to let it out or of feeling like I should keep those particular emotions hidden.

I feel like I've been leading a bit of a double life lately. I'm not opening up. I want to be around Jessa and talk to her and learn about her and hang out with her, but I don't particularly want to have her learn about me. I mean, the little stuff, maybe even my quirks, but my deep down, no. I just don't feel capable of doing that right now.

I can't let someone else in. At this point, I'm not sure I ever want to let anyone else in ever again. Jessa's really nice to me and makes me feel good and I really want for that to always be enough. When I told her that I had a nightmare, she hugged me a little tighter and kissed my forehead. That was enough. She went on to ask me what the nightmare was about and I said that it was about the stuff the I have nightmares about. And that's true. I wouldn't give her any more than that. And I don't feel that I should have to. I know "The Invitation" told me I shouldn't let myself become "shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain," but I am closed. How am I supposed to not be?

The Ex knew what the nightmares were about. She knew more about those nightmares than she ever should have and it didn't really make a difference. Really, all she could do was hug me a little tighter and kiss me on the forehead. I almost feel like speaking the fears and past pain just makes it harder for everyone. They want to fix it, I want it to not be real...

Blah blah blah.

So why should I open up? Why, when I don't know that I'll get anything out of it? And even if I did know that it would be so amazing to have that understanding and someone to talk to about it, why would I risk it? She's just going to leave just like the ex left and I can't handle that again.

And also, no one understand. As much as I love Autumn and I love Stefania and the few others who may know of the subject of my nightmares, they can't understand. Because they're dreams. I don't pretend to understand their pain and they don't pretend to understand mine, but we allow each other to hurt. So why must I explain when all I want is acceptance? And I get it.

Well, all you logical ones out there reading this and thinking "duh, you don't have to explain," there's a part of me that feels like I'm cheating or lying by not telling. I'm not being open and honest with her the way she's being open and honest with me.

And shutup all the voices in my head that are screaming at me for being so self-blaming because that's not what I'm doing. I'm just trying to write.

Fuck this. I'm done. If I didn't make myself sound utterly crazy already, I better stop now. This is exactly what I mean by not feeling like I can feel what I want to feel. When I do feel it, I hear all my friends voices in my head lovingly saying that I shouldn't feel that way.

Maybe the emotions I feel are the ones that are mean to me and no one wants to hear.

Whatev. I just got a shitty phone call. I'm ending this, not even reading it over, and pushing the publish button. Fuck that.