oh the drama

(Disclaimer added right before I push the "Publish Post" button: for any of you readers who still talk to the ex, she doesn't know about any of this stuff, so I would appreciate it if it's not mentioned to her. Really, she kinda sucks at keeping in touch with anyone so I'm not too worried, but, y'know, please don't call her up to make sure she's okay with the whole me-dating-someone-else thing because she doesn't know about it.)

Listen, I don't have much time to post, but if this is where I'm writing about this, then this is where I need to write about this.

I have three meetings in a row today and I have to finish the end of the month editing, but I don't really want to spew all this drama at any of my meetings today (really only a threat at the first one), and I can't focus until I at least write it out, even if I don't figure it out.

Okay. Where to start. This is just stupid lesbian drama. Because the queer community is way too small. I know I already mentioned this chaos in the last post, but I need to do it again.

And fuck this no name thing. It's too confusing. The only person with a secret identity is the ex so she'll continue to be referred to as "the ex" or with the capital H and S "Her" and "She."

So. J is for Jessa. We like her. Jessa used to be together with my friend Lauren. I'm not that close with Lauren, so I heard a couple things about Jessa from her, but not much. I actually heard more about Jessa from Dan and Stefania from what they heard from Lauren.

The first night with Jessa, Lauren acted weird. I gave Jessa a ride home and Lauren didn't really seem to like the idea. But I asked her up front two different times because we are friends and she said that it's okay. She said it's weird, but okay.

I can buy that. It probably is weird. But Lauren chose to give Jessa up. Lauren ended it, AND she's together with Nicole now.

Okay, I explained all this in the last post, the reason it's getting weird and awkward for me is because I'm supposed to hang out with Lauren tonight. I don't really want to. I just feel like it's going to be awkward and weird. But Dan and Stefania will be there and I don't want it to be weird for them. Plus, I want to hang out with them.

Here's an even more honest reason: Jessa doesn't really want me to. I mean, she didn't say that, but she now hates Lauren. I believe the exact words used were "she's a cunt whore bitch."

And now I'm just in an awkward situation. It's not new or original, it's just awkward. I don't know the solution. The person I'm dating doesn't like one of my friends. Because we're lesbians, it just happens to be that the date and friend used to date each other.

I mean, what do you do? I know I'm supposed to make up my own mind, but if I told Jessa that someone was horrible, or a "cunt whore bitch," I would want her to not hang out with them. I would want her to listen to me and stand up for me and tell the cwb off for having hurt me.

I'm not going to do that for Jessa. a) I don't even know the whole story. b) I feel a little uncomfortable with the fact that I said "person I'm dating" up there so clearly we're still not committed or defined. c) I can't, CAN'T, get back into my habit of only caring about the other person.

Oh my god. I CAN'T! That's it. I'm hanging out with Lauren tonight and hopefully it'll be fun, but I need to make my own judgement call about this. It's like Stefania said last night, Jessa knows I'm Lauren's friend. She didn't come up to me at the club because I was sitting at Lauren's table. And, despite the whole not-really-wanting-me-to, Lauren has been pretty cool about the whole thing. She's not mad at me, she said it was okay even though it was weird...

I don't know. I don't really feel like that's her call, but I can see people freaking out and she hasn't, so that's cool.

I'm done there. Onto the next awkward situation:
Nicole. Nicole is Lauren's new girlfriend. Jessa and Lauren broke up because of Nicole. Nicole and I are friends. We're actually starting to be kinda good friends. Y'know, that type of long, deep email friends that I can't get enough of.

But clearly Jessa isn't a huge fan of Nicole. And, since Nicole and I have that honesty in email form friendship, I know that Nicole doesn't particularly like Jessa. They were placed against each other in fighting for Lauren.

Do you feel as awkward reading this as I do writing it?

But you know what? I like Nicole. We get along. I like what she writes and she seems to like what I write. I'm not sure we'll all hang out, but maybe we will.

I already said I'm picking Nicole up from the airport, right?

Fuck this. I wish I wouldn't have already given Jessa too much power. But I'm me, so I fucking do. I wish I would have just figured out to make up my own mind and didn't play off of what she does, and said "Jessa, Lauren is my friend. If you have issues with that we can talk about it, but you knew getting into this that she was my friend." Then maybe I wouldn't have to hear about her being a cwb or the things they did.

But I want to support Jessa. I want to make her feel special and important so I want to do things for her.

But I need to realize that giving up myself or compromising myself or doing only what she wants and not what I want is not actually a good way of showing her she's important and special. Maybe it shows her that she can take advantage of me. I don't know. But I have to be myself, and then when I do give up something for her, she'll be able to see how important it and I am.

Alright, I don't know how to fix this since I already told Jessa I was uncomfortable hanging out with Lauren, but I guess I'll just be as honest as possible and see how it goes from here.

Sorry this isn't a nicely written or well-developed post, I just needed to get all of this out.

Oh, and just so that there's a reward for getting all the way down here to the bottom, the sex we had last night was amazing. And not in a mind-blowing orgasm way (although we've had that too--overshare?), but in the passion way. In the absolute passion and desire and intimacy and closeness of being with one another and kissing each other and grabbing and holding tightly and everything. It was amazing.