Listen Up; Listen Hard with your Silence

I'd be happy if I never again:
- Hugged old friends for them to respond "you're so tiny" in their worried, confused tone.
- Heard a friend talk poorly about her body
- Got in trouble for not wanting to hear negative self-talk, because I guess that means I'm the asshole who doesn't understand and hates listening (Right.)

I just want to scream fuck you to everyone. Maybe it's from the bad sleep and mild cramps.

*****Abrupt tone change*****

I went and looked at an art exhibit this weekend. We got lost in a nice building, then we read and looked at women's interpretations of power. I thought it would only be interpreted through clothing, but there were quotes, lots and lots of quotes, and after an hour and a half I didn't even get to read them all.

So we left, at closing time, and I felt powerful. I walked, with my beautiful, powerful friends, and knew that we could do anything.

What we ended up doing was going our separate ways for the rest of the day, but I altered my walk home. I took the long way around and stopped by the pull up bars. There were lots of men playing cricket--which I always find oddly comforting; I feel accepted in the unexpected--and I wanted to see how many I could do now. I didn't stand up on the side and get ready, I pulled my bag off over my head, tossed it in the grass behind me and jumped up to the bar. I jumped up to the bar and did 5 pull-ups. Yes, I felt powerful, and to remember the feeling, I put a quantifiable number on it. I am really starting to know myself: I haven't forgotten yet.

*****Here's another shift*****

While house-sitting, I took over mac and cheese. I boiled the mac, I added the powdered cheese, I looked in the fridge: only vanilla soy milk. Grey-orange Vanilla Mac and Cheese: edible, but not really excusable.

*****Y'know*****

When I was unhealthy and unhappy (but most people didn't know, or at least didn't know the extent), I had secrets. I have secrets again, but I'm not sure the two are related, or as related as I previously thought. I think healthy and happy people also have secrets. There's a difference between being dishonest and being trustworthy. It just got so skewed for so long I'm still trying to tease out the difference.

And I'm off.